I was standing at the side waiting for the lights to dim so I could discreetly go to the backstage passing through the right side of the stage. The lights dimmed and it was my cue. I was finally able to get to the backstage and do whatever it was that I needed to do.
Now, I have to wait again for the lights to dim before I could go back to the tech booth. I was busy recalling in my head the things on my to do list when I suddenly stopped upon hearing these words coming from the stage: “May mga bagay sa buhay natin na hindi natin maintindihan kung bakit nangyari…but like Mama Mary, may we also say yes to God even though we do not understand. She goes on, “…when you can’t feel God’s presence in your life, go back to your history with Him… know that God is so near you, catching your tears… I want you to hold the hand of your seatmate and know that that is God holding your hand in times of weakness.” I knew at that very moment that I could no longer hold back the pain I’ve been keeping in for a year now.
I felt like I was a wounded child trying to be brave, hiding her wound, and holding back the tears. But at the sight of her mother, she could no longer hide the pain and found comfort in her arms.
Ever since Mama passed away last year, I’ve been bravely dealing with my deep wound and building a façade that I can handle it well. But during that moment at the backstage, I felt that God was embracing me so tightly that I could no longer hide the pain from Him and I could not help but cry in His arms. It was both a moment of pain and comfort. Pain because I was made aware of the deep wound I have but at the same time I found comfort in the warm embrace of thy Father.
Till this moment, I still could not understand why God has to take Mama when my heart was not yet ready to let go of her. Or why He has healed others but did not heal Mama. Or why others still have their mothers with them even until they have their own children while Mama has been taken away even before I could find the one God has set for me. There are so many questions I wanted to ask God just so I could understand. But through the grace of Mama Mary, I had the courage to say yes to His plan even though I do not understand.
I know that the wound has not completely healed yet but from this day on, I will allow God to take care of my wound. I will no longer hide my pain from Him. In times of weakness, I will remind myself that God is holding my hand and that He is always ready to welcome me in His arms when I could no longer bear the pain. From this day on, I will face my pain knowing that God is with me and that Mama Mary is interceding for me as I go through the process.
And so I pray, Holy Mary, Mother of God, pray for us who are grieving that we may be able to fully accept the will of the Father, now and at the hour of our death. Amen.